Disclaimer: if there is abuse of any kind going on, emotional or physical, you need to put yourself (and your children if you have any ) as top priority and leave the abusive environment. There is no excuse for abuse.
To classify someone as a cheater, or having been unfaithful there must first be a discussion between two people agreeing to a monogamous relationship. If this discussion has taken place and someone has broken this vow then healing needs to take place. Not just for the person who was cheated on but also the person who cheated.
If two people haven't verbally agreed to be exclusive with each other than its not something that you can classify as cheating. Instead, this is a communication issue.
You do not need to be married for such a vow to be broken, which is why the discussion is necessary.
Your feelings are understandably hurt but without that discussion, neither of you are clear on the boundaries of the relationship.
What defines infidelity? Anything that has an emotional or sexual type of connotation that requires you to hide or keep something secret.
When cheating happens your self-worth takes a hit. This is where the ego comes in. Your ego is battered and will defend itself saying things like, "They never loved me." "They were just using me." The words will hurt, yes. This is ego going on the defense trying to rationalize what happened to you.
You are angry and you may want to lash out. You gave this person your heart and what did they do? They didn't recognize your worth and now you are questioning it. You cannot allow other people to measure your sense of self-worth. You know you deserve better than that.
When you experience betrayal from someone so close to you can bring up a lot of negative emotions that can be overwhelming and you might make rash decisions, Like hurting yourself, someone else or both. When emotions are high there is a tendency of throwing the conscious out the window. Crimes of passion.
This is why I suggest separating from your partner until you can both decide what you both want to do with the relationship. Each need to re-evaluate whether or not you both feel the relationship can be repaired and if you want to put the work into fixing it. Forgiveness is going to be the key to the healing process. If you know that this is something that you cannot forgive then you know it is time to end the relationship.
Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is seeing that they made a mistake and as long as they own up to that mistake taking the chance at repairing the relationship.
The biggest lesson to be learned as someone who has been cheated on is that you cannot control someone. You cannot make someone be loyal if they don't want to be loyal.
The person who cheated has issues that led to breaking their vow. If this is an ongoing pattern than this may not be a relationship that you want to try and save. This person has already learned that they can get away with this behavior. This is usually the case with character disturbed people.
Character disturbed people use cheating as a way to manipulate or control you. They do this to devalue your self-esteem and tell you that you are at fault for their cheating ways. They make excuses instead of taking responsibility for their actions. Until someone is ready and willing to take responsibility for their actions the relationship is unrepairable.
Reasons Why People Cheat
Here are some reasons as to why someone would cheat, and yes sometimes someone in a happy relationship cheats. Usually, this is due to an unmet need. They could be lonely, their partner works a lot or is away from home for long periods of time.
The passion is gone in the relationship and it feels more like you two are roommates than lovers. Sexual needs are not being met. This could mean not enough sex or not being able to have their sexual kinks fulfilled within the relationship. This could be because they are afraid of being judged and rejected or simply because they have some sort of sexual addiction/ hypersexuality.
Sex Addiction
People with sex addiction often suffer from anxiety and/or depression that may temporarily be relieved by sex, that is until feelings of guilt and remorse resurface. It is a toxic cycle.
Sex Addiction is defined by the dysfunctional preoccupation with sexual urges, fantasies, and behaviors that continue despite failed attempts to quit or cut back the directly related consequences.
Issues related to sex addictions are best handled by a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist certified by the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals.
The emotional connection is missing and they connect with someone else. That person gives them that emotional need. They pay attention to them. Sometimes, it's about feeling appreciated or being treated better by the third party.
To put it plainly, they aren't happy and cheating is a way to get your attention. To get you to listen or a shitty way to end the relationship. They want out and they don't know how else to leave the relationship. They want out and don't know how else to leave the relationship.
People tend to stay and try to work things out because they aren't ready to let the relationship go due to all the energy and time they invested in it. This is known as the Slot Machine Syndrome.
When one person invests a lot of emotional energy and time over the years trying to making things work much like a person who feeds a slot machine with coins hoping for a payout. Every now and then, just like a slot machine, there are small rewards and it keeps the person investing.
Which leads us to other more nefarious reasons as to why people cheat. They simply feel entitled. They won't stop because they have the belief that they are entitled to be with whoever they want. Whether its due to outdated thinking of needing to procreate for genetic reasons to keep up the population or just because its what men do. Some do it for the adrenaline rush of not getting caught.
They may cheat because the opportunity presented itself. They have no restraint and little or no conscious. Sometimes, its because drugs and alcohol are involved and they lower the persons inhibitions.
RED FLAGS
Let's talk about some red flags you would notice in a manipulative person who uses these tactics to avoid ever truly healing themselves.
They minimize their actions as not being as bad as it seems. Saying that you are overreacting. They want to convince you that your judgment of their behavior is wrong.
They will lie by omission or without a significant amount of truth or distorting important elements of the truth.
They will deny or refuse to admit that they have done something wrong while knowing they were wrong.
They will rationalize or make an excuse for doing something they know is inappropriate or harmful behavior.
They will change the subject to divert your attention and dodge the issue.
They will avoid being confronted by evading or rambling irrelevant responses to a direct question. They give vague answers.
They will use intimidating tactics. Subtle, indirect or implied threated.
They will guilt trip you, and shame you to make you feel inadequate or unworthy.
They will play the victim, in order to gain sympathy and evoke compassion.
They will project blame onto others, using them as scapegoats.
They will feign innocence. That they didn't mean to do it or that they didn't do what they are being accused of at all. This tactic is meant to make you question your judgement.
They will straight up play dumb. They will display anger as a calculated and effective tool of intimidation coercion and manipulation to get you to submit.
If you notice any of these red flags do not fall under the slot machine syndrome as these people will not change. It's best to let the relationship end.
Healing
For the healing process that needs to take place I recommend keeping a journal or finding other creative ways of releasing your emotions. Poetry, painting or anything creative can be a great way of doing that. It helps you to process your emotions. If you keep a journal it might help you with seeing a pattern.
Whether you decide to work on the relationship and rebuilding trust or not you are going to have to work on healing yourself.
To classify someone as a cheater, or having been unfaithful there must first be a discussion between two people agreeing to a monogamous relationship. If this discussion has taken place and someone has broken this vow then healing needs to take place. Not just for the person who was cheated on but also the person who cheated.
If two people haven't verbally agreed to be exclusive with each other than its not something that you can classify as cheating. Instead, this is a communication issue.
You do not need to be married for such a vow to be broken, which is why the discussion is necessary.
Your feelings are understandably hurt but without that discussion, neither of you are clear on the boundaries of the relationship.
What defines infidelity? Anything that has an emotional or sexual type of connotation that requires you to hide or keep something secret.
When cheating happens your self-worth takes a hit. This is where the ego comes in. Your ego is battered and will defend itself saying things like, "They never loved me." "They were just using me." The words will hurt, yes. This is ego going on the defense trying to rationalize what happened to you.
You are angry and you may want to lash out. You gave this person your heart and what did they do? They didn't recognize your worth and now you are questioning it. You cannot allow other people to measure your sense of self-worth. You know you deserve better than that.
When you experience betrayal from someone so close to you can bring up a lot of negative emotions that can be overwhelming and you might make rash decisions, Like hurting yourself, someone else or both. When emotions are high there is a tendency of throwing the conscious out the window. Crimes of passion.
This is why I suggest separating from your partner until you can both decide what you both want to do with the relationship. Each need to re-evaluate whether or not you both feel the relationship can be repaired and if you want to put the work into fixing it. Forgiveness is going to be the key to the healing process. If you know that this is something that you cannot forgive then you know it is time to end the relationship.
Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is seeing that they made a mistake and as long as they own up to that mistake taking the chance at repairing the relationship.
The biggest lesson to be learned as someone who has been cheated on is that you cannot control someone. You cannot make someone be loyal if they don't want to be loyal.
The person who cheated has issues that led to breaking their vow. If this is an ongoing pattern than this may not be a relationship that you want to try and save. This person has already learned that they can get away with this behavior. This is usually the case with character disturbed people.
Character disturbed people use cheating as a way to manipulate or control you. They do this to devalue your self-esteem and tell you that you are at fault for their cheating ways. They make excuses instead of taking responsibility for their actions. Until someone is ready and willing to take responsibility for their actions the relationship is unrepairable.
Reasons Why People Cheat
Here are some reasons as to why someone would cheat, and yes sometimes someone in a happy relationship cheats. Usually, this is due to an unmet need. They could be lonely, their partner works a lot or is away from home for long periods of time.
The passion is gone in the relationship and it feels more like you two are roommates than lovers. Sexual needs are not being met. This could mean not enough sex or not being able to have their sexual kinks fulfilled within the relationship. This could be because they are afraid of being judged and rejected or simply because they have some sort of sexual addiction/ hypersexuality.
Sex Addiction
People with sex addiction often suffer from anxiety and/or depression that may temporarily be relieved by sex, that is until feelings of guilt and remorse resurface. It is a toxic cycle.
Sex Addiction is defined by the dysfunctional preoccupation with sexual urges, fantasies, and behaviors that continue despite failed attempts to quit or cut back the directly related consequences.
Issues related to sex addictions are best handled by a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist certified by the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals.
The emotional connection is missing and they connect with someone else. That person gives them that emotional need. They pay attention to them. Sometimes, it's about feeling appreciated or being treated better by the third party.
To put it plainly, they aren't happy and cheating is a way to get your attention. To get you to listen or a shitty way to end the relationship. They want out and they don't know how else to leave the relationship. They want out and don't know how else to leave the relationship.
People tend to stay and try to work things out because they aren't ready to let the relationship go due to all the energy and time they invested in it. This is known as the Slot Machine Syndrome.
When one person invests a lot of emotional energy and time over the years trying to making things work much like a person who feeds a slot machine with coins hoping for a payout. Every now and then, just like a slot machine, there are small rewards and it keeps the person investing.
Which leads us to other more nefarious reasons as to why people cheat. They simply feel entitled. They won't stop because they have the belief that they are entitled to be with whoever they want. Whether its due to outdated thinking of needing to procreate for genetic reasons to keep up the population or just because its what men do. Some do it for the adrenaline rush of not getting caught.
They may cheat because the opportunity presented itself. They have no restraint and little or no conscious. Sometimes, its because drugs and alcohol are involved and they lower the persons inhibitions.
RED FLAGS
Let's talk about some red flags you would notice in a manipulative person who uses these tactics to avoid ever truly healing themselves.
They minimize their actions as not being as bad as it seems. Saying that you are overreacting. They want to convince you that your judgment of their behavior is wrong.
They will lie by omission or without a significant amount of truth or distorting important elements of the truth.
They will deny or refuse to admit that they have done something wrong while knowing they were wrong.
They will rationalize or make an excuse for doing something they know is inappropriate or harmful behavior.
They will change the subject to divert your attention and dodge the issue.
They will avoid being confronted by evading or rambling irrelevant responses to a direct question. They give vague answers.
They will use intimidating tactics. Subtle, indirect or implied threated.
They will guilt trip you, and shame you to make you feel inadequate or unworthy.
They will play the victim, in order to gain sympathy and evoke compassion.
They will project blame onto others, using them as scapegoats.
They will feign innocence. That they didn't mean to do it or that they didn't do what they are being accused of at all. This tactic is meant to make you question your judgement.
They will straight up play dumb. They will display anger as a calculated and effective tool of intimidation coercion and manipulation to get you to submit.
If you notice any of these red flags do not fall under the slot machine syndrome as these people will not change. It's best to let the relationship end.
Healing
For the healing process that needs to take place I recommend keeping a journal or finding other creative ways of releasing your emotions. Poetry, painting or anything creative can be a great way of doing that. It helps you to process your emotions. If you keep a journal it might help you with seeing a pattern.
Whether you decide to work on the relationship and rebuilding trust or not you are going to have to work on healing yourself.
Comments
Post a Comment